TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Accountants Likely Cause of Blackout
by
HL Carpenter

 

Officials tracing the cause of the August 14 power outage in the U.S. suspect the massive blackout was caused by an irate gang of accountants based in the Midwest.

The Department of Energy, the regulatory agency that is investigating the Great Northeastern Blackout, issued a confidential report on Tuesday. According to the department, there is reason to believe certain accountants were seeking to ease a heavy workload caused by last minute extensions. The report concludes, “The Internal Revenue Service extended the due date for taxpayers in the affected area. This is a clear indication that the IRS was duped into helping this group achieve their agenda.”

In light of the initial surge of groundless speculation about the power outage, some industry observers plan to wait until the investigation is finalized before assigning blame. But Power On, a utility transmission company, feels the allegation against accountants was strengthened by President Bush’s failure to state publicly that the blackout was not caused by them.

“He specifically ruled out lightning and terrorism,” said O. Watts, president of Power On. “If accountants are innocent, why didn’t he say so?”

“I’m in the dark as to the president’s motives,” says Icahnn Count, spokesperson for the Institution of Certifiable Public Accountants. “But I have no doubt we’ll be vindicated. Sure, some of our members were stressed over the August 15 deadline. But we have procedures for dealing with procrastinating clients that don’t involve electricity.”

A source within the Institution, however, says that Ms. Count expressed concern privately. “She mentioned the fact that many accountants resent having to postpone the last vacation of summer in order to finalize tax returns on extension,” says this source.

Lending additional credence to the report are the never-denied rumors of a rogue faction within the Institution. These individuals are reported to be agitating for a return to the days of pencil and spreadsheet.

 

Originally published August 2003.