TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Gotta Be Bad to Do Good
by
HL Carpenter

 

Song lyrics and cliches speak about being cruel to be kind. But does it follow that you have to be bad to do good?

One defense lawyer thinks so – and is using this novel argument in an attempt to keep his client out of jail.

The unnamed client is rumored to be an executive responsible for the biggest corporate scandal to hit the courts in recent years. Prosecutors say the ‘being bad to do good’ defense came about after certain large universities released accounting enrollment statistics. Applications have languished for years, but colleges are now reporting a boom in new students.

“This executive wants to take the credit for the jump in prospective accounting majors,” says a person familiar with the cases in question. “His argument is this: if not for the publicity surrounding his mega-sized corporate collapse, the US would eventually suffer from a dearth of accountants. Then we’d really be in trouble.”

In addition to spurring college enrollments and increasing the size of the country’s accounting army, the defense also plans to offer evidence the scandals highlighted problems with auditing procedures and regulatory activities. Bringing out these weaknesses in the financial system has resulted in an onslaught of changes that are currently shaking up the business world.

“I’m convinced so much good has come out of my client’s actions that the charges against him should be dropped,” says A. Gressive, Esquire, lead attorney. “Instead of fines and jail time, he should receive acclaim and honorariums for his service.”

Mr. Gressive has taken unusual – and effective – positions in previous high profile cases. He’s most noted for the ‘I know nothing’ defense, now broadly copied, where high ranking executives argue their underlings acted without their knowledge.

While unhappy investors can easily believe corporate officers - supposedly in charge of their companies – are truly clueless, they are furious over Mr. Gressive’s latest claims. They point to the handsome payoff – in the hundreds of millions - the executive he’s defending received, and wonder about the message this type of defense sends to other potential miscreants.

“What happened to the idea that crime doesn’t pay?” asks a former stockholder.

Attorney Gressive contends his client has gotten the message. “He’ll be paying out everything he received, and probably more, in legal fees,” says the renowned criminal lawyer.

 

Originally published August 2004.