TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Bunny Chow
by
HL Carpenter

 

When it comes to boxed bunnies, are you an ear-biter? Or do you prefer to savor the candied eyes first?

According to a study conducted by the U.S. Department of Sugarcoating, how you eat that chocolate rabbit tells a lot about your personality.

“Ear-biters tend to be impatient,” says Honey Sweet, the study’s lead researcher. “They open the package and CHOMP! Off with an ear. The candied-eye eaters are more deliberate and detail oriented.”

The study, entitled The One-Eared Bunny and Other Insights into the Character Traits and Psychology of Chocolate Rabbit Eaters, tracked the holiday confection consumption of 150,000 Americans over a period of ten years.

Despite the thoroughness of the research, however, pimples of controversy erupted as soon as the findings were published. “Who came up with this harebrained idea?” asks a lobbyist for the jelly bean industry. “It’s discriminatory against those of us who prefer other types of candy. We have personalities, too.”

Whether that’s true or not is the subject of the Department’s next study, tentatively titled Bunny Envy: An Examination of the Behavior Patterns of Chocolate-Challenged Individuals. Results are expected in early 2034.

 

Originally published April 2004.