TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Confusion Did It
by
HL Carpenter

 

When faced with potential reprimand, children often claim ‘nobody did it’. Mutual fund companies, confronted with possible SEC sanctions, have an even better culprit for their misdeeds: Confusion, Inc.

The company, which trades on the New York Exchange under the ticker symbol CON, has kept a low profile despite such notable clients as Congress, the Internal Revenue Service, the military and major phone companies. But fund managers are adamant in their conviction that Confusion is at the root of the scandals in their industry.

There’s no question CON has seen a sharp increase in profitability over the past few months. A review of the last financial filing shows the reason: the recent perplexing muddle of legislature generated by an onslaught of scandal-induced securities regulation. The last comparable bump in demand was in the 1980’s, when the breakup of AT&T created a run on the company’s product.

Even so, Bea Willder, spokesperson for Confusion, professes little sympathy for the claims of fund managers. “You only have to glance at a prospectus to know mutual funds have used our product for years. Now they’re on the receiving end so they’re looking for someone to blame. We just happen to be handy.”

Many lawmakers agree, and believe the industry brought the problem on themselves, with less-than-transparent disclosures and practices. For weary investors, one thing is certain: whatever the cause of the chaos, there’s little indication clarity will return anytime soon.

“With so many rules, who can keep track of them?” says one insider, whose fund is currently under investigation. “We just rake in the money and hope for the best.”

 

Originally published September 2004.