TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Rudolph on Steroids
by
HL Carpenter

 

In a twist that could further dampen the already meager holiday sales outlook, the investigation into illegal steroid distribution has expanded to the North Pole.

A remark by an officer of the laboratory under investigation led prosecutors to consider the possibility of performance enhancing drug use by members of the reindeer team. According to a North Pole elf who asked to remain anonymous, Santa Claus received a call from the US attorney’s office shortly after the executive’s televised interview.

“We hate to believe steroids are the explanation behind Rudolph’s ability to lead his crew to success year after year,” says an insider at the US Attorney’s office. “But a blinking red nose is one of the drug’s side effects.”

Whether Rudolph’s career is on the line is unclear. But the rumors will undoubtedly have an effect on his reputation with millions of children, and could cast a pall over Santa’s character as well.

As the scandal unwraps, US retailers, who have been reporting weaker than expected results, are scrambling to minimize damage.

“We’re certain Rudolph thought he was eating the same flying reindeer food as the rest of the team,” says a spokesperson for the retailing industry. “He’ll still be leading this year’s sleigh, and all presents will be delivered on time.”

Calls to the North Pole seeking comment were not returned.

 

Originally published December 2004.