TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Who's Controlling the Thermostat?
by
HL Carpenter

 

Unhappy with dreary weather conditions? Don’t blame the hole in the ozone layer, global warming or even Mother Nature. But you might lift your snow goggles long enough to direct an icy glance at Uncle Sam.

According to the blockbuster book Who’s Controlling the Thermostat? the true culprit behind recent unpredictable weather is hidden within the murky environs of the U.S. Department of Atmospheric Conditions. The book asserts that a formerly unknown branch of the department, the Division of Climate Control, is manipulating worldwide temperatures.

“Most people have never heard of the Division of Climate Control,” says author A. Handler, former Secretary of the Department. “It’s clouded in secrecy. But the vapor trail goes all the way up to the presidency, and I have memos, meeting notes and internal agency documents to prove it.”

The Department of Atmospheric Conditions dismissed Who’s Controlling the Thermostat? as nothing more than an imaginative snow job by a disgruntled former employee. “We have no interest in raining on Mr. Handler’s parade,” says a spokesperson. “But the fact is, all we do here is study weather patterns.”

Supporters of Mr. Handler were quick to point out that the rebuttal stops short of actually refuting the existence of the Division of Climate Control.

“If he’s telling the truth, it would sure explain our poor forecasts,” says Sunny Daze, a Detroit meteorologist. “People think we don’t know what we’re doing, when the reality is we’ve never had a chance.”

Democratic contenders for the presidency have been quick to capitalize on the avalanche of questions generated by Who’s Controlling the Thermostat?. “This is another example of the unacceptable secrecy the current administration is famous for,” read the tagline of one campaign ad.

The White House was unavailable for comment due to a freak ice storm that disrupted communications systems throughout the Washington metro area.

 

Originally published January 2004.