TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Deficit Inc.
by
HL Carpenter

 

Deficit Inc. (NYSE, BIGD) posted a record 257% rise in profits for the final quarter of 2004, and indicated 2005 earnings would also be substantial. Newly released financial reports show that most of the credit goes to the company’s Division of Really Big Numbers.

In the annual year-end conference call yesterday, Chairman and CEO Dunn Madeit said, “We expect to gain market share this year as the federal Fantasy Budget Department continues to revise previous estimates of expenses for various programs.”

The US government is the company’s largest customer, often purchasing figures in the trillions, and then later needing to replace them with even larger numbers as they prove unrealistic. Deficit Inc. is the world’s primary provider of specialized, flexible twelve digit integers, though other companies in the field offer generic versions.

“We’ll increase production capacity in 2005 at our Really Big Numbers Division plant in Costly City,” says Mr. Madeit. “We’ll also be introducing a new thirteen digit, four-comma number, which will be expandable to sixteen numerals.”

According to analysts, this latest product, called the Gazillion, has a bright future, especially if Social Security reform takes place in the US over the next few years.

 

Originally published February 2005.