TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Quiet Please
by
HL Carpenter

 

A new drug that was headed for government approval is facing opposition from a vocal coalition of politicians, journalists and talk show hosts.

The drug, which was developed by the maverick pharmaceutical company WeeHeerU, is designed to bring temporary relief from the babbling of idiotic lawmakers, hysterical newscasters and rabid talk show hosts. It works by the simple, effective method of inducing a ‘hush state’, in which chronic ranters are unable to speak in tones higher than a whisper.

“It’s hard to generate a state of panic when you can only murmur,” says the scientist who created the formulation. “This is the perfect prescription for ending mindless, stress-inducing blather.”

Proponents tout additional benefits of the drug, which include noise reduction and escape from harebrained opinions and biased judgments. But the Pro-Sound Assembly, a nonprofit organization dedicated to the promotion of hectic prattle, argues that the drug needs more testing. According to Pro-Sound, no one has proven silence is golden. Further, the Assembly’s research indicates a decline in nattering drivel can raise public safety issues, such as the risk of independent thinking.

“This is an unspeakable outrage! I’m speechless!” a spokesperson for Pro-Sound shouted during a telephone interview. He then went on to add, “They’re just trying to shut us up!”

Medical experts say the only way to silence the prattle is to approve the drug. Until that happens, consumers seeking an escape from relentless chatter will have to resort to folk remedies, such as using ‘mute’ or ‘off’ buttons on radios and televisions.

 

Originally published October 2005.