TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

One Potato, Two Potato
by
HL Carpenter

 

The Potato Diversity Board (PDB) says complaints about lack of variety in holiday potato offerings is expected to reach a record level in November. The projection is based on estimated budget constraints forced upon consumers by high gas and heating costs.

“There’s less money to spend on frivolous side dishes,” says a spokesperson for the PDB. “People have to cut back somewhere.”

According to an insider, PDB received more than 200,000 complaints against family chefs after Thanksgiving last year. So far, no fines have been issued, though PDB says many of the cases are still under review.

Records indicate the complaints are often generated by out of town relatives. These disgruntled traditionalists anticipate a mouthwatering array of potato dishes when they arrive at the old family home. Instead, they discover cost conscious in-house cooks have limited the once expansive spud servings to a single offering.

“The rules are clear,” writes one unhappy feaster. “At a minimum, every holiday table is required to feature white mashed potatoes, baked sweet potatoes and a sweet potato casserole.”

Unfortunately, according to a PDB spokesperson, the official guidance is more ambiguous. There is no specific law setting out the number of potato dishes that must be served. Instead, chefs are allowed to select items that reflect ‘good taste’, which most experts interpret as a prohibition against instant mashed potatoes.

Critics say more regulation and higher fines are needed.

“Some cooks seem to think they can dish up one measly potato recipe during the holiday,” says a potato purveyor lobbyist. “For the benefit of spud lovers everywhere, that idea must be squashed.”

 

Originally published November 2005.