TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Retrodiction
by
HL Carpenter

 

Forget about what’s in store for tomorrow. If you’re an aging American, the more important consideration is what went on yesterday.

No, not the yesterday of twenty, ten, or even five years ago. Events from those times are frequently recalled with remarkable clarity. What’s vanished is the memory of the twenty-four hours before you woke up this morning.

Called the “where did I leave my keys” phenomenon, this new trend was revealed in a study funded by the American Psychic Association (APA). In response, an industry long used to gazing into the future is planning to roll out a new crystal ball.

“Prediction is passé,” says Isee Ahead, the Association’s Chief Clairvoyant Officer. “Retrodiction is where our future lies.”

Retrodiction, according to Mr. Ahead, is the art of seeing the past.

If you’ve never heard of it, you’re not alone. Even the Association’s members seemed unable to divine the definition. Answers ranged from “the way words were pronounced in the past” to “what politicians do after winning an election.”

Despite the mists of confusion, Mr. Ahead sees retrodiction as a real opportunity for APA’s members.

“Selling a new concept to customers may be a challenge,” he admits. “But the reality for many people is that what’s already happened is frequently more of a mystery than what’s yet to come.”

 

Originally published June 2005.