TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Rudolph's Pay Under Scrutiny
by
HL Carpenter

 

How much is a red-nosed reindeer worth? That’s the question regulators are asking after hearing of the lavish pay package Santa approved for his lead sleigh-puller.

Rumors about the compensation deal have been swirling like snow at the South Pole for months. The blizzard started in late summer, when Rudolph was approached by a rival package carrying company, Unwrapped Package Service, which tried to lure him away from his current position.

Though everyone agrees Rudolph was happy as Santa’s team leader, insiders say he was glowing over the offer because the salary and benefits far exceeded those he was receiving. Perks reportedly included unlimited access to reindeer games, lifetime nose polishing services, and use of a corporate jet for those occasions when he chose not to fly himself.

“It was an offer that will go down in history,” says an elf who asked to remain anonymous. “Rudy felt Santa simply could not compete.”

But the aging Chief Gift Giver managed to pull a lavish present from his fur-lined sleeve to keep Rudy in harness. And despite the fact that the other reindeer are not shouting out with glee, he defends the pay package as competitive and appropriate.

In an official release, Santa states, “I made a list and checked it twice. There were simply no other candidates with Rudy’s skill in hauling sleigh.”

 

Originally published December 2005.