TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Stressing Stress
by
HL Carpenter

 

StressVenture Unlimited, a sprawling lifecycle concern, sharply revised spending estimates for 2005 to include an increased emphasis on brand expansion. The expected result will be an upsurge in market share and broad-based global growth in patented stress-based wares.

StressVenture already has a wide following in the US, with Americans snapping up $15 billion a year of its flagship Anxiety and Worry products. According to the press release accompanying the revised numbers, the company now intends to increase its presence in Latin America and Europe. StressVenture also sees strong opportunities for growth in Asia, particularly in Japan.

Analysts greeted the news with uncertainty, pointing to the production problems that put a strain on the company’s ability to meet demand in 2004. They say StressVenture can barely supply enough Anxiety and Worry to fulfill present order levels.

Also troubling is the potential impact on the economy if American consumers perceive a shortage of stress in the pipeline. While no one knows what the implications could ultimately be, Congress is considering convening a special panel to investigate the effect of StressVenture’s announcement.

“Americans are used to a surplus of stress,” says Mark Tension, an analyst at Hasslebank in New York. “Perceived shortages give everyone an unsettled feeling.”

StressVenture declined to comment on the furor, but market watchers note the stock rose 256% yesterday, a move they attribute to the ripple effect of nervous investors roused into a buying frenzy.

 

Originally published February 2005.