TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

They're Everywhere!
by
HL Carpenter

 

Researchers are hot on the trail of a long-elusive discovery: The identity of “They”. So far the biggest surprise has been that “They” seem to be quite similar to everyone else.

For instance, “They” have long been accused of ignorance (They don’t know what They’re talking about), ineptitude (They don’t know what They’re doing) and outright hostility (They’re out to get us). But, as a just-released preliminary research study points out, those characteristics are also prevalent in many previously identified groups, such as “Us” and “We”.

Nonetheless, the quest is being closely followed by the blame business. Trial lawyers are taking particular notice. That’s because the new knowledge comes at a critical time for the industry, which has been running out of groups to sue.

“They have caused an awful lot of grief for an awful lot of people,” says one prominent attorney. “Once we figure out for sure who They are, They’re going to have to pay.”

Scientists are urging caution, saying the study’s initial results are far from conclusive, and it’s far too easy to make an enemy of the unknown.

“We’re as anxious as everyone else to finally have an answer to this timeless question,” says the study’s lead researcher. “But there’s always the chance They may not be strangers.”

 

Originally published August 2005.