TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Bias Boom
by
HL Carpenter

 

The total number of biases in the world surpassed 100 gazillion for the first time last week, according to the prejudice industry’s trade group, Wehateyou, Inc. That’s an exponential increase of a frintillion-fold from the prior count.

While the explosion of bias seems worrisome, Wehateyou is unconcerned, saying there has been no increase in actual prejudice. Instead, the trade group attributes the majority of the upsurge to a change in the method used to track global intolerance.

“The bias industry is still evolving,” says a spokesperson for the group when contacted for comment “But there’s no doubt people hate each other as much as they always did.”

Officials of the group disclosed that self-reporting of individual bias was the norm in the past, but experts in prejudicial behavior harbored suspicions about the impartiality of this method. They believed the previous low bias count was faulty since study after study shows reflexive preconceptions have long been a popular alternative to actual thinking.

Wehateyou admits the self-reporting numbers were misleading. In an effort to obtain a more representative tally of the total amount of worldwide loathing, the current figure is based on third party eyewitness accounts of unreasonable suspicions, predetermined judgments and irrational convictions.

“The self-reporting method was flawed,” says a spokesperson for Wehateyou. “No one thinks they’re personally biased. They just think they’re right.”

 

Originally published December 2006.