TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Reading in the Car
by
HL Carpenter

 

Have you read any good traffic signs recently? If not, you’ve plenty of company. Police organizations across the country are reporting a massive increase of violations by drivers who write off official signage. A novel solution: Teaching cars to read.

“We already rely on our cars to do much of our thinking for us,” says Kenyu Reedndrive, the head of No Car Left Behind, a commission formed to study the crisis. “Reading cars are just the next chapter in our ongoing automobile romance.”

Here’s the story line: A non-disabled driver pulls an illiterate car into a handicapped parking space. The driver plans to run into the store and return quickly, and so feels temporary use of the restricted space is acceptable. The illiterate car fails to realize this behavior is illegal and inconsiderate, and the driver gets a ticket. The driver, hurt by the car’s apparent lack of concern, ends the love affair. Enter a new hero: A car that knows how to read. This car refuses to let its driver exit until the vehicle is parked properly. Car and driver live happily ticket-free ever after.

Auto manufacturers seem to be on the same page as the commission, thanks to potential government intervention by a Congress known for taking a keen interest in the activities of library patrons. But critics argue the push for reading cars is simply one more bookmark in the manuscript of personal freedom.

“We can read between the lines,” says one. “By the end of this tale our cars will make us obey the speed limit and come to a complete halt at stop signs.”

No Car Left Behind believes critics are missing the big story. The committee report concludes, “If we can teach cars to read, perhaps one day we’ll be able to do the same for our children.”

 

Originally published August 2006.