TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

The Court of Public Opinion
by
HL Carpenter

 

No law degree? No problem. If you’re comfortable making judgments without benefit of black robes, legalese or an overload of facts, the Court of Public Opinion wants you on the bench.

“The current US judicial system is far too legalistic,” says A. Bandon Hope, spokesperson for Judge This, a Montana nonprofit organization. “We need to put the law back in the hands of the people.”

Judge This envisions a reformed legal structure based on ten simple rules instead of the present myriad of federal, state and local regulations. Judicial protocol is also expected to be simplified. For instance, lawsuits and other disputes would be settled quickly in a court that never goes out of session. Volunteer justices, who will number approximately 300 million, nominate themselves and enjoy lifetime appointments. Judgments, once rendered, are written in history and appeals are nonexistent.

Attorneys and other skeptics of the proposal say modern life is far too complicated to be regulated by amateurs. While acknowledging that confusion, mistakes and delays in rendering justice are prevalent under the current framework, they believe scrapping the whole process is unfair.

“Legal experts have worked long and hard to bring our system to this point,” says a lawyer who declined to give his name. “Justice for all who can pay for it is an American right we’ll sue to defend.”

Judge This says a lawsuit would be welcomed, and promptly issued a news release stating the Court of Public Opinion has already reached a verdict in the proposed case.

 

Originally published October 2006.