TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Buying Ethics
by
HL Carpenter

 

It used to be you either had ethics or else you hired a lawyer to convince a judge and jury that you did. Today, there’s a third option: Buy a set.

For $10.95 per principle or $149.95 for a complete philosophy, you can download a product called FauxValue from the web site of Advanced Truth Creation, an integrity manufacturing company based in New York. Voila! Instant ethics.

“We live in a fast-paced world,” says a company spokesperson. “Old fashioned methods of acquiring ethics are no longer a viable reality.”

Analysts agree, and surveys indicate FauxValue will be well received in the US market, which is estimated at $772 trillion. Given the interest expressed in the product prior to launch, that may be a conservative estimate. According to research, about 74% of Americans are ethically challenged, including approximately 45% who lack ethics completely.

Even so, critics say manufactured ethics may be worse than none at all. They worry about a lack of quality control and the potential for product deviations. They also say FauxValue, which is derived from a compound found in cow manure, could pose a health risk.

Advanced Truth Creation acknowledges those concerns, but counters that ethics on demand is a revolutionary breakthrough in the fast-changing integrity business. A company official mused, “Once this shortcut method of ethics acquisition goes mainstream, who knows what the future will hold?”

 

Originally published June 2006.