TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Miss Manners?
by
HL Carpenter

 

If you’re nostalgic for the days of old fashioned manners, take heart: The pharmaceutical industry has come up with an experimental drug designed to induce etiquette.

The drug, called Thanx, received FDA approval for personal decorum use in October, and is expected to be available in time for the holiday season.

“Instilling manners used to be an arduous, manual process,” says a spokesperson for the industry. “Thanks to Thanx, you can now buy courtesy at your local pharmacy.”

Early indications show the drug will be especially popular with grandparents, who often have fond memories of a more civil society. When questioned, 90% of this generation expressed interest in giving Thanx to grandkids. Sixty-five per cent said their children would also benefit from receiving Thanx gift prescriptions.

But experts warn consumers to proceed with caution until long-term studies are completed, since a widespread surge in manners could have serious side effects. For instance, some critics believe extensive use of Thanx might lead to a competitive disadvantage for the US economy.

“We already know nice folks finish last,” says one. “Drugged nice folks might not even realize there’s a race.”

Drug manufacturers counter that argument with the polite reminder that good manners do not preclude killing competitors with kindness.

 

Originally published November 2006.