TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

No More Naughty or Nice
by
HL Carpenter

 

In a ruling sure to cause problems for American parents, the Supreme Court today decided Santa must stop segregating children into categories of naughty or nice. The decision is effective beginning with the 2007 holiday season.

“The classification system was discriminatory,” says E. Quallity, spokesperson for Wrapitup, a nonprofit gifting rights organization that filed the suit against Mr. Claus. “Christmas is no longer your grandmother’s holiday.”

Lawyers for Mr. Claus argued that abandoning the long-standing practice of denying gift delivery on the basis of bad behavior would have a negative effect on discipline. Last year, an estimated 3.2 billion parents worldwide invoked the ‘naughty or nice’ rule approximately 7.4 gazillion times to curb offspring’s impending mischief.

But Wrapitup believes the ruling finally puts all kids on equal footing, and is a welcome departure from years of fear and repression. Though the ruling is technically effective only in the US, it could have worldwide implications, as other countries are expected to abide by the decision.

“Children everywhere can celebrate this victory,” Mr. E. Quallity says. “In the true spirit of Christmas, no one should be denied a gift simply for not meeting an arbitrary definition of ‘niceness’.”

Mr. Claus had stated he would consider hanging up his beard if he lost the case. Attempts to contact him were unsuccessful. A spokesperson said Santa was preparing for his annual journey around the world and had no time to comment on the decision.

 

Originally published December 2006.