TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Knock Knock
by
HL Carpenter

 

If you were out walking the dog when an Opportunity salesman knocked on your door, you’ll be happy to learn the company hasn’t given up on you.

“We only knock once,” says Fred “Big” Break, the company’s spokesperson. “But our new policy is if you’re not home, we’ll be back.”

One caution: While a double knock is good news for opportunity-hungry consumers, it doesn’t mean you’ll get a second chance at the offer you missed the first time. Opportunity sells only one-off original products.

That high focus on customization is the main reason Opportunity had to institute the new sales procedure. Though the company’s core product is recognizable, it comes in a package with so many options people fail to realize what they’re seeing. For instance, the HardWerk model is frequently overlooked, as is TakeARisk.

Prior to the new procedure, there was also some concern that dwindling amounts of leisure time and rising stress levels were reducing the company’s ability to reach customers. In addition, product counterfeiting and pirating are rampant in the business, leaving many opportunity-seekers wary of accidentally purchasing bogus merchandise from phony door-knockers.

Mr. Break says Opportunity is reviewing these problems, and will respond as necessary. Exactly what steps will be taken remains unclear, as he had to terminate the interview in order to answer the door.

 

Originally published June 2006.