TOP DRAWER SATIRE

Got Personality?
by
HL Carpenter

Tired of putting up with less-than-perfect personalities – including, perhaps, your own? If so, NewU Creations, a manufacturer of behavioral characteristics, has good news: The company is designing an array of temperamental, emotional and mental traits that will hit the market on Labor Day.

“Forget all those experts who insist the quirks and mannerisms that make humans tick are formed through a combination of genes, upbringing and habit,” says Dr. Who Ryou, the company’s founder. “Those folks have a bad attitude.”

Since this is an election year, NewU is targeting the political market first. The company is gearing up production of personalities with qualities most politicians lack but need most, such as solid backbones, great integrity and high intelligence. Industry experts say there is unlimited potential for NewU’s products in the bureaucracy arena as well, both nationally and globally.

Another bright spot: Gifts, particularly in the exasperating I-already-have-everything-I-need segment. Nearly 85% of individuals who participated in a recent poll indicated they knew of at least one person who would benefit from a change in personality. The remaining 15% thought having a personality was unnecessary but expressed interest if one could be purchased during a price rollback at Wal-Mart.

Originally published July 2006.