TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Up On the Down Side
by
HL Carpenter

 

Wars. Pandemics. The price of stamps.

There are many reasons to become a pessimist in the 21st century. So many, in fact, that pessimism is a growth market, with sales expected to reach $600 billion in 2006. Riding high on this positive trend, the industry is expanding an already depressing array of products.

Yet success has an unexpected downside for companies who deal in glumness: The fear of being labeled optimists.

“Our members walk a fine line,” says Down Inthedumps, spokesperson for Negativity Sells, a pessimistic trade group. “It’s not easy being an optimistic pessimist.”

The job is made more difficult by the rosy ten-year outlook for purveyors of gloom and doom. Industry analysts expect no abatement in half-baked opinions, uninformed ranting and fear-mongering, all of which drive the pessimism market. Other significant contributors to the bottom line of gloom-pushers, such as challenges, conflicts and resistance to change, are also expected to continue at a promising pace.

So what’s a pessimist to do in the face of all this good news?

Mr. Inthedumps thinks he has the answer. “Cheer up,” he says, quoting his organization’s motto. “The worst is yet to come.”

 

Originally published March 2006.