TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Fighting Reality
by
HL Carpenter

 

It’s been a relatively rare affliction, but incidents of reality have been cropping up in unexpected regions of the US.

The National Illusion Center, a nonprofit organization based in Washington, is concerned enough to begin a study to determine whether the outbreak is authentic.

“We’re not facing a reality pandemic yet,” says Dr. R.U. Certain, spokesperson for the Center. “We just want to be prepared in case these are not isolated incidents.”

According to experts, the Illusion Center’s worry stems from the fact that there is presently no cure for reality. Worse, the condition is irreversible. Once afflicted, individuals develop an insatiable need to seek, learn and promote actual facts in place of opinions and pseudo-logic. However, since truth is often painful, Americans have long been shielded from it. An epidemic of reality could lead to public panic.

To forestall that outcome, the Illusion Center plans to track the progression of reality throughout US history. By learning how the disease originates and spreads, researchers hope to develop effective therapies to combat truth eruptions before they get out of hand.

Dr. Certain stresses reality disorders are not common. At present the center estimates less than 1% of the US population is affected. “There are no instances of anyone in a position of authority being infected,” he says. “Our goal is to make sure that never happens.”

 

Originally published May 2006.