TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Say What?
by
HL Carpenter

 

With election day fast approaching, the Society for the Prevention of Useless Remarks (SPUR) has been inundated with complaints.

“People are tired of hearing rehash after rehash of empty promises and platitudes,” says Willa U. Shutup, SPUR’s Chief Prodding Officer. “These days it seems as if all politicians are buying their speeches from the same company.”

Political analysts concur that part of the problem does indeed relate to the lack of competition in the pointless-talk industry. After all, there are only so many generic comments available for candidates to hide behind, so they tend to get overused. But studies have also shown a seldom-addressed larger issue: Most politicians have nothing worthwhile to say.

Experts agree with this conclusion and polls show voters do too, but both groups hold little hope for substantive change. Previous research bears out such pessimism by charting a direct link between public yawning and proliferation of political hot air.

Ms. Shutup says, “When people tune out, politicians respond by pumping out more useless remarks. It’s standard practice.”

Even so, SPUR intends to continue the push for abolishment of meaningless rhetoric. Under consideration: Legislation making content-free oratory a federal offense punishable by five years of listening to an endless loop of political advertisements.

 

Originally published September 2006.