TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Faster Than a Speeding Government
by
HL Carpenter

 

What exactly is the speed of government?

After a hundred and fifteen years of painstaking research, scientists at the US Department of Hurryupandwait expect the answer to be forthcoming in the near future. If so, it will be a milestone achievement, putting to rest speculation – much of it negative - about the true swiftness of bureaucracy.

Present estimates of governmental velocity range from fossilized to dormant. Some educated guesses go as high as glacial, though many experts are skeptical of that claim since it takes into account instances when the government was forced to act, such as during election cycles.

At any rate, measurement of bureaucratic hustle has hardly been a precise science. And accurate calculations remain a challenge even with twenty-first century technological advancements, because it’s often difficult to spot actual movement.

In prior centuries, attempts to quantify momentum included computing the miles of red tape per activity, determining the number of frayed tempers per activity and assessing the depth of bureaucratic mayhem per inch of activity.

There’s no indication the new research has used a different approach. What is clear is that arriving at the correct pace of governmental speed is an excruciating process, and may take more time to complete than the Department of Hurryupandwait believes.

However, a Department spokesperson says delays are expected, and are not a problem. According to a press release, moving too fast violates institutional policy.

 

Originally published April 2006.