TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Star Warnings
by
HL Carpenter

 

Reaching for the stars can be dangerous to your health, and the Association of Infinite Mediocrity (AIM) wants you to stop immediately.

Citing scientific research showing most stars are hot, pointed, gaseous entities which explode at unpredictable intervals, AIM issued a press release warning Americans to quit trying to grab them.

AIM is also urging motivational speakers and authors of self-improvement books to stop encouraging people to engage in this type of risky behavior. As a sign of how seriously AIM takes the issue, the association is attempting to get a bill introduced into Congress to make star-reaching a federal offense.

“Sure, it sounds like fun,” says Dont Gothere, spokesperson for AIM. “But you can be badly hurt.”

Medical experts agree actually touching a star could have serious consequences. But they argue most people who reach for the glittering night-sky objects never make contact with them anyway.

Still, AIM insists the practice is unsafe and says promoting it is irresponsible. They add that continued belief in individual ability to reach stars could have unforeseen effects on mediocrity levels around the world.

Safety studies are ongoing, and resolving the issue could take light years. In the meantime, if you’re worried about the health consequences of striving toward that distant point of light but hate to give up your quest, shooting for the moon may be an acceptable alternative. Just check with your doctor first.

 

Originally published April 2006.