TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

A Worry A Day
by
HL Carpenter

 

The things you worry about seldom come true.

That’s the message the anxiety industry wants consumers to take to heart – but not in the “so-why-worry-at-all” way self-improvement books promote. In a twist on the old saying, companies selling products such as Dread, Apprehension and ColdSweat are launching a promotion to encourage you to worry even more.

The idea: Worrying about everything will improve your life.

Experts say the new promotion is hardly necessary. They point to research studies, which have proven billions of people already understand the benefits of pointless worrying. Such widespread acceptance translates into healthy business results for the anxiety industry, which grosses $17 quadrillion dollars per year.

Additional good news can be found in a quarterly survey released today by Fretting Internationally, an informal association of agitation concerns.

Responses to the survey show the outlook for worldwide worry intentions continues to be strong. More than 97% of those surveyed expect to increase worrying over the next three months. That’s up twelve percentage points from the last survey. In addition, the remaining 3% intend to continue worrying at the same rate they do currently.

The numbers are impressive, especially since worrying is a choice, not a basic necessity like air or food. And now that worrying has become a global pastime, analysts say there’s little chance of declining demand. Most agree they’re not worried about worry.

An industry spokesperson says the new promotion will proceed anyway, adding, “Good news is no reason to quit worrying about what might happen tomorrow.”

Originally published March 2006.