TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Straight Arrow Reports Honest Operations
by
HL Carpenter

 

In a move that sent nervous ripples through much of corporate America, Straight Arrow, Inc., a small manufacturer of novelty truth products, announced a third straight quarter of honest business operations.

Analysts listened in shocked silence while company officials reported that executives were not overpaid, sales were not overstated, and no corners were cut during the manufacturing process. In addition, the company stated no public officials were bribed, no securities laws were broken, and no invoices submitted to the government were inflated or fraudulent.

“We proceeded placidly from one nonevent to the next,” a company spokesperson said. “We delivered what we promised, and customers got what they paid for. Furthermore, we anticipate performing in the same manner in the coming quarter.”

In response to probing questions, the company did admit that one employee had taken a pen from the office supply cabinet without authorization. However, the employee later apologized and submitted reimbursement.

It’s not clear what impact the company’s revelations will have on financial markets. Financial journalists called the report unusual, but ultimately unlikely to become a trend. Investors and regulators, though initially stunned, appear to have digested the news with few ill effects, and the company’s stock price remains strong.

Straight Arrow’s spokesperson says the company intends to continue with business as usual, a statement that has other firms grumbling.

“There’s nothing more annoying than a good example,” says one executive. “You’re not going to see us traveling down that road any time soon.”

Originally published October 2007.