TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Banning Birthdays
by
HL Carpenter

 

In a controversial move designed to save the ailing Social Security program, Congress is considering legislation to ban aging.

The bill, announced today, would make it illegal to celebrate any birthday beyond age 50, effective retroactively to January 1, 2007. Individuals who are already older than the cutoff would be grandfathered in.

“Preventing people from claiming senior citizen status eliminates the need to increase payroll taxes and wipes out the possibility that the Social Security fund will become insolvent,” says a spokesperson for the Social Security Administration. “Since no one likes to own up to being older than 50 anyway, it’s a win-win situation.”

Business groups are actively backing the legislation, because it would do away with costly pension payouts. The food services and hospitality industries, who would no longer lose money on all-you-can-eat senior buffets and ‘golden years’ discount offers, are also supportive.

But critics say taking away the right to grow old is just one more instance of governmental interference in everyday life.

The Social Security spokesperson points out that people can still get older. The new law simply forbids admitting it. He adds, “Denying reality is standard governmental policy.”

 

Originally published June 2007.