TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Pushing the Cart
by
HL Carpenter

 

In a move designed to reduce burgeoning claims, the insurance industry is steering drivers to an education program. Geared toward a new risk category – the drivers of shopping carts - the free online classes include procedures for making end-of-aisle turns and avoiding collisions while racing to the check out.

“Store aisles are increasingly crowded and dangerous,” says spokesperson No Freeride. “We want to make sure everyone has a safe shopping experience.”

The industry created a special web site for prospective cart drivers. The site offers downloadable class plans, lecture notes, lists of reading materials, homework assignments and quizzes. Classes are available in audio and video format, and can be accessed via music players and computers.

Though Congress is contemplating legislation to license cart drivers and make the courses mandatory, skeptics question whether driving techniques can be learned in a virtual world. But proponents of the idea insist that any instruction is better than the current practice of in-the-aisle-training.

“This is an idea whose time has come,” says Mr. Freeride. “Nascar racers follow the rules of the road. Shopping cart drivers should, too.”

 

Originally published February 2007.