TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

A New Branch on the Family Tree
by
HL Carpenter

 

Just weeks after the revelation that Homo erectus and Homo habilis co-existed during the same time period, scientists have released more astounding news about common human ancestry. It turns out yet another species of human-unkind is even older than previously believed: Homo jerkian.

“It’s long been suspected that jerks have been around forever,” says a researcher who was on the team that discovered newly unearthed fossils in deepest Africa. “Now we have the bones to support our contention.”

The find is causing a stir in the genealogical community. While most people enjoy having royalty, celebrities and famous ne’er-well-to-do’s occupying the family tree, the presence of jerks is generally less prized.

Unfortunately, the new evidence indicates Homo jerkians may have been plentiful, with a wide range of habitat. That means it’s highly likely the species is a direct forebear to today’s humans.

Critics, particularly those in the mental health profession, remain skeptical of the findings. For now, psychiatrists are sticking to the long-standing belief that there are no jerks, just jerky behavior.

Researchers say doubt is only natural. “No one wants to be a jerk,” says one. “But we are all a product of our past.”

 

Originally published August 2007.