TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

A Plague of Joy
by
HL Carpenter

 

The US Centers for Frivolity Control (CFC) has issued an annual seasonal warning to Americans: Be prepared for an outbreak of joy and good cheer.

“This is the time of year when these infectious moods are most virulent,” says a spokesperson for the CFC. “We urge all Americans to exercise caution.”

The CFC’s alert includes a list of symptoms exhibited by afflicted individuals. Tip-offs include smiling at strangers, offering help to those in need and shouting out cheerful greetings to passersby. To keep themselves safe, Americans should avoid people who spontaneously erupt in any of these behaviors.

Experts say the desire to spread gladsome tidings is highly contagious, and has the potential to become a global pandemic. At present, there’s no known cure.

“Even wars, natural disasters and reports of unidentified flying sleighs have not been able to stop the scourge of joy from spreading,” says a worried doctor.

Pharmaceutical companies and university research departments are scrambling to create a vaccine. One promising development is the newly discovered Humbug Factor, a natural resistance to merriment that appears to be genetic.

Scientists examining the DNA of descendants of E. Scrooge, the original carrier, isolated two genes, which have been labeled Frugal One and Tightwad Two. Unfortunately, researchers suspect the Humbug Factor is not a cure-all.

“There’s some evidence that even people with the Scrooge gene can be infected with joy,” says one. “Sometimes all it takes is a Christmas carol.”

Originally published December 2007.