TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

All Spies Want for Christmas
by
HL Carpenter

 

The Office of Public Snooping (OOPS), a federal agency charged with figuring out if Americans have been naughty or nice, has a Christmas wish list – surveillance tips from a shadowy figure known as S. Claus.

Mr. Claus, a wealthy eccentric who reportedly raises reindeer on a ranch at the North Pole, dresses in red fleece suits and leaves his home only one night a year, is rumored to have the best monitoring system in the world. Sources say his workshop is staffed entirely by elves whose main job is to observe and record global levels of pouting and crying.

According to an agency official who wished to remain anonymous, what interests OOPS most is how Mr. Claus manages to retain worldwide goodwill while carrying on his peeping activities.

"We talk about setting up a video camera system and we get nothing but grief," says the official. "He watches people when they're sleeping, he knows when they're awake, he knows if they've been bad or good, he keeps databases on all sorts of behavior – it's really creepy. And yet when he comes to town, everyone loves him."

Through a spokesperson, Mr. Claus declined to discuss specific wish lists, saying he receives many unusual requests this time of year. The spokesperson added that whether people are being observed or not, they should be good for goodness's sake.

 

Originally published December 2007.