TOP DRAWER SATIRE

CEOs Earn From Mistakes
by
HL Carpenter

Most people believe mistakes are valuable as learning experiences. Corporate chief executive officers have mastered the art of turning them into earnings.

“Statistics prove huge pay packets are directly correlated to hugely stupid decisions,” says a spokesperson for the US Department of Gross Wages. “In particular, our research shows compensation spikes dramatically in response to foolish moves that lead to the CEO’s ouster from the company.”

The Department’s compensation experts are at a loss to explain why the same is not true for ordinary employees. Unlike blundering CEO’s, who walk away from companies with millions of dollars in severance, lower level workers get the boot without receiving any payment at all.

The Department is anxious to study the reasons for the difference in treatment. Unfortunately, most CEOs refuse interviews after accepting a hefty exit package. Once they return to the public eye, generally in a better paying position at a different company, they’re not interested in re-hashing old issues.

“You can’t pay me enough to talk about that,” says one.

Originally published November 2007.