TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Smiley-Face for President
by
HL Carpenter

 

Politicians, get ready for a roll-back: A majority of Americans want to replace you with Wal-Mart employees.

According to a recent poll, 97.3% of Americans believe having Wal-Mart in charge of the country would be a vast improvement over our current system of governance. Moreover, in a startling development certain to strike fear in the hearts of thousands of Presidential candidates, some of the company’s most vocal critics admit the idea has merit.

“Democracy is a wonderful thing,” says one usually strident opponent. “Being able to buy it at a discount is even better.”

The driver behind the surprising consensus seems to be the lengthy presidential campaign trail. Most survey respondents enthusiastically endorse the idea of reducing the process to a one-week special event, choosing candidates from a sales circular, and voting at the nearest Wal-Mart.

However, another result of making the switch – exchanging a bloated, bickering bureaucracy for leaders who provide results instead of excuses – is more controversial.

Supporters say a nimble, responsive government could alleviate many of society’s most pressing troubles. Opponents believe a government that actually gets its work done would only cause more problems.

“Do we really want to get all the government we’re paying for?” asks one.

 

Originally published May 2007.