TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Allied Bombs
by
HL Carpenter

 

What happens when your biggest competitor declares war and you’re absent without leave? The answer may put Allied War Industries and its affiliates under the gun.

Experts charge the company with making a major mistake by sitting on the sidelines during the recent flare up in the Caucasus region. They say the fallout could be severe, and that the misfire leaves Allied, an international producer of military skirmishes, conflicts and confrontations, with a lot of explaining to do.

“What were they thinking?” wonders one industry advisor. “This was the perfect opportunity for Allied to flex its muscles and stay on top of the world market.”

But even as Allied’s value cratered, the company’s Chief Weapons Officer, Gunn Attheready, defended the decision to stay out of the fracas.

“Our employees have been working nonstop for years, in all regions of the globe,” he says. “We’re stretched thin, which means we have to pick our battles.”

His words appeared to give critics fresh ammunition, and they promptly fired back by aiming pointed remarks at Allied’s leadership.

“Why is Allied beating around the bush?” snipes one, who spoke with a Russian accent. “They should admit they’ve lost the will to fight for domination in the war market.”

Mr. Attheready bristles at what he calls fighting words. But observers note Allied’s CEO has not interrupted a vacation trip to a minor sporting event to address the growing tension, and there’s no sign the company will be ramping up production lines any time soon.

Allied’s ‘keep-our-powder-dry’ reaction has everyone perplexed. Supporters point out that the company has reason to be slow on the trigger given the condemnation it received for previous responses to saber-rattling competitors. But privately they admit they’re worried about future repercussions.

“Allied needs to elect the right course of action,” says an analyst. “It’s bad for business when a war starts and nobody shows up.”

 

Originally published August 2008.