TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Riding The Market
by
HL Carpenter

 

Thrill seekers anxious to jump into The Market, a popular roller coaster, may want to reconsider. According to the US Department of Grim Pronouncements, the ride can be hazardous to your health.

“The Market features wild swings, deep swoops and stomach-curdling plunges from airy heights,” says Sirious Killjoy, a Department spokesperson. “This is an unstable vehicle, and it’s speeding into uncharted territory.”

The Department has issued a warning about the lack of visibility around The Market’s sharp curves and is contemplating moves designed to protect the public. Under review are mandates similar to those in place for the automotive industry such as seatbelts.

Regulators say a look in the rearview mirror proves putting the brakes on The Market is a good idea. A previous crash, when The Market went completely off the rails and caused widespread damage, is well documented.

Still, experts are divided as to whether a similar catastrophe could happen today.

Fans of The Market brush off the concerns. They say past performance is no guarantee of future results, and that moments of sheer panic and the risk of losing everything are part of the fun.

“We don’t need seatbelts and we already have plenty of airbags,” says a veteran of The Market. “The only rule we’ll agree to is the one already in place: Ride at your own risk.”

 

Originally published October 2008.