TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

The Mattress Bank
by
HL Carpenter

 

There’s one bright spot stuffed between the twin slats of worry over soft credit markets and the sagging future of the US banking industry: The Mattress Bank, which is expected to report firm results in today’s quarterly earnings call.

“Deposits are ticking up to king sized dimensions,” says Box Spring, a bank official. “We’re jumping for joy.”

During the boom years, various analysts labeled The Mattress Bank as bed-ridden, languishing and almost defunct. But the bank enjoyed blanket popularity during the 19th and 20th centuries, when people had little confidence in more regulated institutions. That high regard is gaining support once again.

Proponents of the bank’s resurgence tout conveniences such as not having to leave your home to make deposits or withdrawals, superb customer service, true 24-hour banking, and always being sure where your money is invested. In addition, they say, there’s the simple pleasure of being alone in a bank at night.

Critics of The Mattress Bank complain about zero percent interest rates, security problems, “lumpiness” issues, and the lack of Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation coverage, a governmental guarantee that protects depositors when federally chartered banks fail.

However, in light of current problems, including the recent takeover of a prominent institution by Federal regulators, financial experts agree the appeal of The Mattress Bank is understandable.

“Stashing money in The Mattress Bank provides comfort,” says Mr. Spring. “Depositors report they sleep well at night.”

 

Originally published July 2008.