TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Poll Call
by
HL Carpenter

 

Don’t care for Congress? Turns out Congress doesn’t like you either. A recent poll of US politicians indicates that Congressional discontent with the performance of the American public has reached the highest level ever.

“We do everything for these people,” gripes a senior party leader. “We spend their money, we regulate what they do and say, we tell them what they want to hear. And they still don’t appreciate us.”

While the American public has never been popular with members of Congress, what’s surprising about the latest results is the amount of bi-partisan agreement. Pollsters report that approximately 98% of all politicians surveyed feel the same way. The same 98% admit to having lost respect for the average citizen.

The poll, which has a 2% margin of conceit, was conducted just before hearings on the use of steroids by the president’s budget team. WeMakeItAllUp News, the pseudo-journalistic organization sponsoring the research, concedes that having to answer complicated yes-or-no survey questions while investigating such an important issue may have resulted in inaccurate results.

“The actual number of politicians expressing disapproval of Americans could be closer to 120%,” says Ms. Count, a spokesperson for WeMakeItAllUp News. “We haven’t finished tabulating all 535 answers yet.”

Whatever the final tally, it’s clear the mood on Capital Hill has darkened over recent months, as the upcoming presidential election becomes Washington’s top concern.

“I no longer have faith in the American people,” says one disgruntled congressperson. “They seem more concerned about doing what’s right than with keeping us in power.”

 

Originally published February 2008.