TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Rescuing the Wall Street
by
HL Carpenter

 

The US Department of Defensive Maneuvering reported today the deployment of the USS Money, a multi-billion dollar navy warship, to aid an enormous luxury yacht off the coast of Stockland.

“We received a distress signal from the Wall Street,” says Admiral U. Stawerkthere, a Department spokesperson. “The captain radioed that his ship went soft aground.”

According to nautical sources, ‘soft aground’ means the Wall Street got stuck in the mud, possibly due to human error.

The news led critics to question the necessity of sending a warship to save a craft that they contend will eventually refloat itself as the tide rises.

But the admiral is adamant that the Department of Defensive Maneuvering had no choice.

“Any time a vessel this size scrapes bottom, there’s the possibility of major structural damage,” he says. “We can’t stand by and let the Wall Street sink.”

Reports from the ship show the incident occurred in calm weather and took all aboard by surprise. Officers employed thrusters and props at varying speeds and directions trying to twist and pivot the Wall Street in a frantic effort to resume the scheduled cruise. After futile thrashing about made the situation worse, they sent out the distress call.

Whether those in command of the Wall Street will be held accountable and subjected to fines and /or dismissal is unclear, as is the likelihood of the Department of Defensive Maneuvering receiving reimbursement for the cost of the mission. The yacht’s owners did state that when the ship is once again afloat, they intend to proceed with the original itinerary, which includes stops in the Stockland ports of Greed and Excess.

 

Originally published October 2008.