TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Subsidized Shivering
by
HL Carpenter

 

Forget about reaching for that extra sweater this winter. Start shivering instead.

“Shivering is a renewable energy source with a vibrant future,” says Ryu Chillieyet, spokesperson for the Human Energy Association. “It’s clean, green, and much cheaper than more modern methods of generating warmth.”

The US government, always interested in appearing to help taxpayers, agrees. Policy makers are so enthusiastic about this new method of reducing the country’s dependence on foreign oil that they recommended a new energy incentive: Tax credits for shivering.

The announcement of the latest change to the tax code was overshadowed by President Bush’s proposed economic stimulus package. But global warming proponents took notice – and immediately issued a frosty response.

“There’s no need to subsidize an activity that will soon become superfluous,” snaps one. “This is just another gimmick based on shaky logic.”

Experts disagree, pointing out that Americans are smart enough to know when someone’s trying to pull the wool over their eyes.

“Current US energy policy already leaves us in the cold,” says a shivering consultant. “Let’s not throw a wet blanket over new ideas.”

Originally published January 2008.