TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Cold Turkey
by
HL Carpenter

 

Next week, after a two year courtship, the addictive sweet talk of political debates and campaign promises will come to an abrupt end. Are you ready?

Public health officials believe many Americans are not, and they say the physical and psychological effects of a “cold turkey” withdrawal from presidential politics could be severe.

“You can sense desperation in the way people ask if it’s over yet,” says a spokesperson for the Association of Political Insanity. “The end of this election cycle may prove painful for a lot of voters.”

Symptoms of withdrawal from political overload will vary depending on your level of addiction, but can include an intense craving for poll results, irritability due to the lack of campaign mail and negative advertisements, and the tendency to rip political bumper stickers off vehicles.

To help you through the rough patch, the Association offers a free brochure and a twelve step plan. According to the literature, the first week after the election will be the hardest. That’s when you have to come to terms with the fact that the presidential campaign is truly over. Worse, you’ll have to tough it out on your own, because pharmaceutical companies have not yet come up with a drug to treat political junkies.

Fortunately, after you conquer the initial post-election jitters, the Association says your pre-campaign sanity will eventually surface. Be aware, however, that you may relapse sporadically, such as when you see the abandoned signs of a favorite candidate on the side of the road.

To ensure a successful transition to a campaign-free life, the Association urges all politically dependent people to plan ahead for the day after the votes are counted.

 

Originally published November 2008.