TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Managing The Universe
by
HL Carpenter

 

It’s a big job, but someone has to do it.

That’s what Ino Whatsbest thought when he accepted his current position as General Manager of The Universe. Now Mr. Whatsbest says the stress is simply too much. After less than a month on the job, he wants to step down.

“I’m going home to Des Moines,” he says wearily. “The Universe will have to hire a replacement.”

Finding someone to take over should be easy. Managing The Universe, a sprawling, diversified business with operations scattered everywhere under the sun, has long been a goal of many Americans. And with the US unemployment rate rising, there’s no shortage of candidates eager and willing to assume Mr. Whatsbest’s duties.

Unfortunately, Mr. Whatsbest says, most of the applicants are not qualified to handle the work.

“Everyone thinks they can manage The Universe,” he says. “I’m here to tell you this job is no picnic.”

Since taking the General Manager position, Mr. Whatsbest has faced major challenges overseeing The Universe’s expanding budget and bureaucracy. He’s also been bombarded with constant criticism, a job hazard he says he was prepared for, but which he expected to abate once he began implementing his policies.

Instead, complaints continued to mount. Critics contend Mr. Whatsbest’s ideas for running The Universe are wrong, and that he stands in the way of real change. Some believe he’s incompetent, and all are certain they could perform his job much better than he has.

Mr. Whatsbest admits he felt the same way about the prior General Manager. But once he took over, he realized that what’s left after all the talk is the real work of actually managing The Universe.

“I’m not sure why anyone would want this job,” he says.

The Universe had no comment.

 

Originally published July 2008.