TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

Deep Concern
by
HL Carpenter

 

Health Alert: The disease known as Deep Concern is one shrug away from pandemic proportions. Politician-to-politician transmission has been verified by researchers at the Center of Political Nonspeak. To prevent infection, the public at large is urged to apply extreme caution when listening to government leaders.

Deep Concern, a pseudo-emotional affliction characterized by furrowed brows, grave expressions and a lack of willingness to actually do anything about problematic events, has so far been limited to politicians. But the Center says everyone is at risk.

“Clusters of Deep Concern are expanding rapidly through bureaucracies in all capitol cities,” says U. Herdithear, a Center spokesperson. “If the disease continues spreading at this rate, the immunity of average citizens may be compromised.”

Outbreaks of Deep Concern intensify during world crises, especially those requiring courage, fortitude and determination. Politicians who catch the disease exhibit weakened backbones and a propensity for raising index fingers and uttering meaningless remarks, including repetitious variations of the statement, “We are deeply concerned.”. The last symptom gave the disease its name, since it is a universal indicator of infection.

The Center of Political Nonspeak currently ranks Deep Concern at Level 5, which means the disease has spread between politicians in several countries. With so many officials shedding such large amounts of Deep Concern, researchers are bracing for Level 6, defined as an explosive and deadly outbreak at the community level on a global scale.

“Once this thing jumps from politicians to regular people, there’s no way to hold it back,” frets one.

While no vaccine currently exists for Deep Concern, the Center recommends maintaining general good health and taking all political statements with a grain of salt.

 

Originally published June 2009.