TOP DRAWER SATIRE
Whole Lots of Nothing
by
HL Carpenter
Step right up, folks, and place your bid. The banking industry is planning to auction off whole lots of Nothing, and financial experts hope you’re interested in buying.
“The ‘Buy Nothing’ auction is our answer to the economic crisis,” says Patrick “Big” Hoax, a spokesperson for the industry. “We’re certain Nothing will stimulate the economy.”
Flush with their success in selling a vast amount of Nothing to the US government for a very large sum, bankers now want to convince wary Americans that buying Nothing is a patriotic way to achieve economic security.
Skeptics point to the recently proven fact that financial industry initiatives often lead to unintended consequences. They’re certain urging Americans to buy Nothing will be counterproductive in the long run.
Mr. Hoax contends the critics are making much ado about Nothing. He’s determined to continue promoting the sale.
“I love talking about Nothing,” he says. “It’s my specialty.”
If you’re interested in participating in the auction, four hundred lots are up for grabs, ranging from a single piece of Nothing to an entire collection.
As a general rule, property is auctioned as is. However, buyers who expect Nothing to be different won’t be disappointed. Mr. Hoax promises to slip a complete bill of goods into each lot.
Originally published February 2009.
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HL Carpenter, an experienced investor and a CPA, specializes in reader friendly financial and tax topics for individuals and small businesses, and publishes Top Drawer Ink, a newsletter that's chock full of humor and common sense information.
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Last update: December 30, 2009
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