TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

The Promise Gap
by
HL Carpenter

 

The federal government reneged on more promises than it kept last month, according to a report issued by the US Department of Nobody Here Said That. Total promises retracted in July rose 6.7% to 962 billion, while promises kept declined 89%, to three.

The resulting deficit, which was largely due to abandonment of promises related to bi-partisanship and cost containment, prompted the White House to label the promise system “broken.” The designation puts the system on the same list as health care and immigration, both of which were previously classified as dysfunctional.

“We admit the deficit is troubling,” says Dont Holdmetuit, a Department spokesperson. “However, we look forward to improvement now that the backlog of campaign promises is out of the way.”

Americans are less optimistic. Polls indicate 97% of voters expect even deeper deficits once Congress returns from recess.

Experts agree, saying the current level of unkept vows reflects the belief of many in Washington that it is better for Americans to have a broken promise than none at all.

History confirms the prevalence of that viewpoint. A study of previous reports issued by the US Department of Nobody Here Said That reveals 77.999% of political promises are violated because of a failure to make a connection with reality. Congressional mishandling accounts for 15% of the remainder and 6% fall by the wayside due to weather conditions, such as shifts in political winds.

 

Originally published August 2009.