TOP DRAWER SATIRE

 

The Road to Recovery
by
HL Carpenter

 

Travel along the road to Recovery will be slow for the foreseeable future, according to a statement issued yesterday by the US Department of Crumbling Infrastructure.

“We’re asking drivers to be patient,” says Pub Lickwerks, a Department spokesperson. “This is a big job and it’s going to take time.”

The Department’s comprehensive plan calls for a multi-trillion dollar roadworks scheme, which governmental engineers are eager to implement. With departmental supervision, the road to Recovery will eventually be straightened, widened, and repaved. Reconstruction will also be undertaken at the off ramp linking the road to Recovery and the road to Success, and there is discussion of a new roundabout near the city of Capitalism.

As with any massive governmental project, the completion date lies far in the future, Mr. Lickwerks says. Preliminary studies of the anticipated volume of corruption, bureaucratic ineptitude and environmental issues still need to be finalized.

Once those are done, Phase Two of the project, scheduled for this summer, involves planning for funds drainage, erosion of support and prevailing political winds, along with pavement striping and traffic signals. Permits and incentives may be required from other governmental agencies and unions, further slowing the process. Still, Mr. Lickwerks hopes to get things moving by the fall.

In the meantime, commuters on the road to Recovery can expect daily delays and detours due to lane restrictions. At present, only one lane in each direction is open and backups are common. Mr. Lickwerks suggests seeking alternate routes, such as the road to Nowhere, a scenic drive the Department spent years building that bypasses both Recovery and Success.

 

Originally published May 2009.