TOP DRAWER SATIRE

The Air of Uncertainty
by
HL Carpenter

Scientists believe the Air of Uncertainty is causing the current US economic malaise.

The Air of Uncertainty is a high-level stream of heated, semi-noxious wind that emanates from Washington DC and circles the globe in a series of ups and downs known as "peaks" and "troughs". While Washington has traditionally generated large quantities of the Air of Uncertainty, in normal times the negative effect is moderated by the free flow of facts and natural opposition to excessive amounts of change.

That hasn't been true for the past few years. Instead, the Air of Uncertainty has been stuck in an unusual holding pattern.

According to wind experts, when the Air of Uncertainty lingers longer than expected, freak economic conditions are the result. Doubt about future growth is sucked north to the peaks, while consumer confidence travels south, to the troughs.

Despite massive amounts of money expended addressing the issue, attempts to disperse the Air of Uncertainty have so far proved unsuccessful. Satellite pictures show the entire US is covered under a hazy cloud of murk.

Forecasters are divided on how to deal with the Air of Uncertainty. Some say the phenomenon will eventually blow over. Others propose a more proactive course of changing the climate in Washington to more closely represent the rest of the country, with a goal of eliminating the Air of Uncertainty in two years.

Originally published August 2010.