TOP DRAWER SATIRE

Connecting the Dots
by
HL Carpenter

Looking for a job? Here's a tip: The US government is actively seeking Dot Connectors, a career civil service position with the potential for explosive growth.

"We've recently discovered a pressing need for personnel in this job classification," says Agnes Startheer, a government spokesperson. "People with appropriate knowledge, skills and abilities are urged to complete an application."

Ms. Startheer says thousands of Dot Connector positions are available, and that filling in the openings will reduce the backlog of unassembled dots collected since 2001. Back then, the government launched an initiative to gather vast quantities of the tiny round marks. Unfortunately, the importance of putting the dots together was somehow overlooked. The current crisis can be traced directly to that lapse.

"You could call it an organizational failure," says Ms. Startheer. "We desperately need help to bring order to the mess."

If you're interested in applying, visit the government's job web site for details. According to the position description posted there, Dot Connectors must have access to intelligence and possess an aptitude for linking millions of seemingly unrelated dots into a logical sequence. In addition, they must have excellent vision in order to make out the picture hiding between the lines once the dots are connected.

While the work is not physically demanding, Ms. Startheer says it's not all fun and games, either. Connecting the wrong dots could result in termination.

Originally published January 2010.