TOP DRAWER SATIRE

Gold Medal Spending
by
HL Carpenter

Despite fierce competition at the international sporting tournament currently in progress, the US Congressional team managed to prevail as the gold medal winner in Runaway Spending. The prize was largely attributed to the team's new Coach-in-Chief, who modestly stated he merely continued to build on the foundation put in place by his predecessor.

Less humble team members were eager to take credit for their history-making performance. "We worked hard over the past year to achieve this unprecedented level of success," says one delirious contestant. "We always believed we could be the world champions of Spending."

Runaway Spending, a dangerous event that is growing in popularity in capital cities around the globe, was performed in the World Arena on a steep slope coated with thin ice. Government-sponsored participants prepared for the competition by padding budgets, pumping up entitlement programs, hiking debt levels, swimming through rivers of red ink and running deficits. The sport requires an extraordinary ability to overlook painful spending cuts, as well as a feckless disregard for rules of fiscal responsibility.

The US Congressional team was determined to win, displaying a resolute "Can Spend" spirit. Still, at one point during the event Greek athletes took the lead with a burst of profligacy that left the American representatives momentarily stunned. In the end, though, the US came back strongly to win the gold.

"Our domination of Runaway Spending is one more reason for Americans to be proud of their Congressional team," says a cheerleader who traveled to the games from Washington DC. "The victory proves just how much this crew loves America."

Originally published February 2010.